Posts tagged scott baio
Posts tagged scott baio
Hello again. Thanks for your continued readership. I’m sure at this point you either know me or you at least know that I am not Charles. If you know me you are no doubt wondering, why is Brett making this so goddamn confusing? If you don’t know me you’re probably wondering, who the hell is Charles then?
To my friends: I honestly don’t know. I needed a username for twitter and the last time I had a username it was my AIM screen name “DrumsMumsNBums.” So I was looking to go in a different, funnier, direction. I wanted anonymity to a degree, but the ability to be easily found. I’m sorry that I achieved neither of those. In fact, I have revealed myself to the entire internet and have an almost non-existent following. So yea….
To people I’m not friends with: Charles is all of us. Charles is none of us. Charles represents the greatest in man, something we can never obtain. Charles is something I’ve never claimed to be, although it was bestowed upon me in the form of a middle name. Charles is all that we as a species could ever want to be. Here are some examples:
4. Charles In Charge
When I was growing up, I vaguely remember family members calling me “Charles in Charge” as a joke. It was a mediocre sitcom about a male nanny that was mildly popular in the 80’s.
“But Brett,” you interrupt, “why is this even here, if it was only somewhat successful?”
Because of Scott Baio, obviously. Scott Baio plays Charles, in “Charles in Charge.” He also played Chachi in “Joanie Loves Chachi,” which was a spin-off of “Happy Days.” Happy Days was a great sitcom which featured Ron Howard, who is a great director. Don’t believe me? Go watch “A Beautiful Mind”.
Yea ok, so that one was kind of a stretch.
3. Charles Chaplin
Quick think of something funny! There’s a 99% chance the thing you just thought of either was a bit Charles (Charlie) Chaplin did, or someone did it to copy/ripoff/pay homage to Charles Chaplin.
Remember that scene in “Gold Rush” where Charles makes bread dance? That was awesome.
“But Brett,” you annoyingly interrupt again, “I have two really annoying comments to make.”
Ok, go ahead.
“Well first of all, his name is ‘Charlie’ not ‘Charles,’ and second he is known for playing a loser!”
Finished? Ok good. Well his real name is Charles, its on his birth certificate. If you don’t believe me go look for it in Hawaii (that’s where they keep important birth certificates right?) Charlie is just a nickname, do you really not understand that? Do I have to explain how nicknames work?
Also, the Tramp is far from being a loser. In fact, he is the ultimate hero. He goes up against tyrants, bullies, millionaires, country bumpkins, bosses, politicians, snobby intellectuals, basically anybody that people don’t like, the Tramp pulls down their pants or makes them eat a shoelace or something. Sure his pants probably fall down in the process or he also eats that shoelace, but he ends up with the girl or some kind of moral, or sometimes just the same as he started. But he never loses.
2. Charles Darwin
Boy evolution is something, huh? I mean to think we came from a little drip of pond scum and now writing funny quips about being descendants of little drips of pond scum that nobody will ever read. But evolution wouldn’t be possible without one man: Charles Darwin. Just kidding. Charles didn’t invent evolution, God did. Well…let’s not get into that. What Charles did do is write a book that put forth a theory of how we got to be here. And it’s a book that we still draw on for most of our ideas about how the world works to this day. Kind of like the Bible. But better. It’s like he wrote the Science Bible.
1. Charles the Great
Who’s Charles the Great? Oh you know, just the guy who’s responsible for Europe. You probably know him as his dumb French name: Charlemagne. In German he’s called Karl Der Grosse, which sounds pretty badass. This dude basically created white people. Before him, Rome was dead, and the Dark Ages were fucking dark. Thanks to him, there is a section in Art History books about “Medieval Art” and not just skull-bashing and dragon-lore. He essentially took all the cool things about being a mead-drinking, gruel-eating barbarian and mixed it with all the cool things about being a bath-housing, robe-wearing Roman and made Western Culture. Great is his last name. He’s Charles. I’m not.
There’s plenty more great Charles’s out there (Dickins, Lindburg, Manson, and the Chocolate Factory), but I think these four make a pretty strong case that we should all try to be a little more Charles, and a little less whatever shitty name our parents gave us.