Posts tagged comedy

Hello internet. It’s be a little bit of a while. I’ve been getting a lot of feedback from fans asking to write another blog because the last one ended on kind of a depressing note…Wait scratch that, I’ve gotten no feedback. As you know if you read the last post, I ended a relationship two months ago that has proved to be an important moment in my life. But don’t worry, I’m doing great! I  have a new girlfriend who is awesome. She is from Canada and we met at summer camp so you couldn’t possibly know her or ever get to meet her because she is super busy and only visits on weekends that you are not around. Her name? Oh her name is…uh…Keyboard….Emptybottlesofwhiskey. Yes, her full name is Keyboard Emptybottlesofwhiskey and no I didn’t just say the first two things I saw like Jan in the Brady Bunch.

Thanks for reading and for your concern though. I’m really doing fine. Good, even. Its been two months since you’ve heard from me and I’m sure you have some ideas about where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to for the last two months. Here are some of the top theories:

1. I’m in Mozambique with the Peace Corps

If you run in the same circles I do, the rich and powerful ones, you probably remember that somebody had gotten into the Peace Corps and was moving to Africa for two years. This sounds somewhat like something I would do. I’ve always been a political activist of sorts and most of you know that I work for a non-profit so its seems like a natural fit. Why wouldn’t I go fight the good fight in Sub-Saharan Africa, providing services to people who need it most. However, as much as it sounds like something I would do, that’s not me. You’re thinking of my friend Lauren who is currently in Africa teaching kids something. I have not left the country nor do I work for the Peace Corps.

2. I did Bath Salts and am now a Zombie.

Pretty good guess. You’ve no doubt been keeping up with current events, so you know all about how ingesting bath salts turns you into a crazy pseudo-monster who can eat peoples faces. I’m pretty flattered and offended that you thought it was me, that I am experimental enough to try bath salts as a mind-altering substance and crazy enough to eat human flesh. You are also wrong, though. I don’t really do many drugs. To be honest, I don’t even really know what bath salts actually are. I do like salty food so extra points if you guessed this scenario based on that knowledge of my eating habits.

3. I am doing a lot of meditative soul searching.

You’re worried about me and really hoping that I have taken this big transitional period of my life and utilized it to really dig deep and find out some answers about who I really am. I like this scenario theoretically. It makes me seem cultured and insightful. Maybe I saw a psychic as a joke, but the things she said really struck a chord with me. Something about how large changes in life happen in order to move us into new territories. In this option I probably also got really into George Harrison because of his spiritual connection to music. Maybe I even started keeping a journal just to organize my thoughts. Most likely, I contacted past girlfriends to get their perspective on where I’ve gone wrong in relationships like in High Fidelity. I probably have a plan to do one thing everyday to make myself a better person. This is not what I’ve been doing with my life, unfortunately. It’s probably what I should have been doing, but then people would roll their eyes at me like I think I’m the first dude who ever got dumped.

(Not me)

4. I’m on a seriously self-destructive bender.

Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, unshaven and unbathed, I’m kind of a depressing sight in this one. I took the break-up pretty hard, especially when I realized that part of being broken up means she’s gonna start kissing other boys. On their dicks. I’ve probably gotten smacked by a few women in the past two months for my out-of-character sexual passes. I probably have contacted past girlfriends and propositioned them, unsuccessfully. It was fun to go out with me at first because after a few drinks I was loud and funny and willing to do anything. But by the time it was last call, I was sitting in a corner drinking alone, probably crying a little bit. You put me in a cab and hoped I got home safe. Thankfully, I’ve held it together pretty well and this is not the correct answer to where I’ve been. Don’t worry, Mom. Also Mom, please don’t read this and if you do, I’m not being serious about anything. It’s just a joke.

5. I’m working my day job, playing video games, finally watching The Wire, doing improv and trying to get back to living my life.

This is definitely the most boring of all the scenarios. Nothing about my life has changed dramatically, except that I have more time spent alone. I try not to think about what happened, and when I do, I try to do things that make me happy to avoid my feelings. And then I write a blog about it. I got into The Wire, which is awesome. I almost beat Skyrim, but that last dragon is fucking hard so I gave up. I still have the same job and am doing ok. I’m taking improv classes and trying to perform as regularly as possible to empty basements in bars. I’ve had some conversations about what comes next with my closest friends and I feel pretty confident that I’m gonna be great, that its kind of insane to think that most things that happen to you at 23 are going to be as important in 10 years. If you guessed this scenario, you are correct! Congratulations. If you’re an attractive woman, email me. If you’re an attractive man, you can also email me I guess. If you’re unattractive…what the hell, email me. I like people! My email is bigbuttl0ver6969@internet.biz

Look, I’m going to try not to get too emotional with this short essay (that’s what these are right? I’m getting graded? No? Then why am I writing this), but if I’m being totally honest with you people, I was once half of a couple. Until very recently I was in a pretty serious relationship. The idea for the topic of annoying couples came from a hilarious conversation I had with my partner in which we both admitted to being totally oblivious about how annoyingly in love we are until we see other couples being annoyingly in love. And then I got dumped. Literally less than a month later, I was broken up with. So now I’m all filled with piss and vinegar and whiskey. Side note: next time you’re in the liquor store, definitely shell out the extra $3 for Jim Beam, because “Early Times Kentucky Whiskey” does not go down smoothly.

Looking back on that last paragraph, I really want to delete it. But since my original, happier narrative for this piece was ruined by someone ripping my fucking heart out of my chest (that was a joke, seriously) I have to go down this much meaner, bitter road.

Whether you are single, married, divorced, heartbroken (help), or beginning a beautiful new relationship that will one day end in tears and acoustic guitar lessons, couples are fucking annoying. Here’s why:

5. They are always wearing pajamas

I’m going to assume for arguments sake that anyone reading this is roughly the same age as me, somewhere in their 20s. Most of you probably don’t live with your partners because it is a really huge step in a relationship. However, you want to spend time with the person you love. Here’s the thing: it is awkward when I walk into an apartment fully clothed in jeans and a plaid shirt when you two are sitting there in some combination of sweatpants, gym shorts, and the other person’s T-shirt. And you’re sprawled all over the couch watching ABC Family so there isn’t anywhere for me to sit. Guys, it’s one one o’clock, can you please put some jeans on and can we go get lunch or something? And why the hell are you watching The Flinstones movie!?

4. They always have other plans

Want to go get a drink tonight? Oh you can’t because you two promised to watch last weeks episode of Community together. Well what about this weekend? You’re going to his parents house. Saturday too? Oh you got tickets to a show. Well cool, I’ll see you around then.Even when we make plans, it has to be with both of you because this is her only night off. The only time you ever want me to do something is when you’re trying to get everyone to go see his shitty band play in a bar somewhere.

3. They don’t know how to use the sidewalk

This is pretty much a pet peeve for every person in a major city with pedestrian traffic: nobody knows how to walk. Some people walk to slow, some too fast, some cut you off, some are holding big goofy maps. But couples are absolutely the worst. You cannot take more than a step away from one another without being in some kind of contact. Either your arms around her shoulder, his arm is around your waist, or you two are holding hands. You are always strolling, which makes me wonder if couples ever have anywhere to go or are just waiting till the next re-run of Willy Wonka comes on ABC Family. Guys, that subway is about to pull out of the station, can you please dislodge yourselves from one another so people can walk by. Oh no, you two should definitely stand immediately in front of the entrance to this restaurant while you decide if you feel like Italian. I don’t mind it when you drag him down the block into Macy’s to buy him new jeans. Get out of the way! I have super important things to do like go to an improv class or get a bacon egg and cheese.

2. They are arguing about something

Remember when you were a kid and your parents would have a fight? So you’d go lock yourself in your room under the covers wondering if they were going to get divorced? This is worse. At least back then it was about the mortgage or something. Any real argument that happens between couples, happens behind closed doors so we don’t have to worry about it. These arguments are about what time the you went to bed last night or if you really need to call your mom right now. So we all get to hear are those stupid 30 second back-and-forths that always begin with a sarcastic “Well I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…” and end half a minute later with your head in his or her neck.

1. They have inside jokes that I don’t get

All friends do this, but for some reason when couples do it, it is heightened to such an insane degree. We get that when you two saw 21 Jump Street there was a lady eating baby carrots a row in front of you, but you don’t have to say “Pass the carrots please” in an English accent every time you’re in a movie theater. Your jokes make absolutely no sense and when you explain them they just aren’t funny. Friday Night Lights is a great show, but your Coach and Tammy Taylor bit sucks. Your references to everything are so specific that if I wasn’t in bed with you two when the neighbor started screaming at her cats, I don’t get what you are talking about.

I’m really happy for you though. Sorry if I’m being an asshole. To be fair, some of these examples are actual things I’ve done.

Hello again. Thanks for your continued readership. I’m sure at this point you either know me or you at least know that I am not Charles. If you know me you are no doubt wondering, why is Brett making this so goddamn confusing? If you don’t know me you’re probably wondering, who the hell is Charles then?

To my friends: I honestly don’t know. I needed a username for twitter and the last time I had a username it was my AIM screen name “DrumsMumsNBums.” So I was looking to go in a different, funnier, direction. I wanted anonymity to a degree, but the ability to be easily found. I’m sorry that I achieved neither of those. In fact, I have revealed myself to the entire internet and have an almost non-existent following. So yea….

To people I’m not friends with: Charles is all of us. Charles is none of us. Charles represents the greatest in man, something we can never obtain. Charles is something I’ve never claimed to be, although it was bestowed upon me in the form of a middle name. Charles is all that we as a species could ever want to be. Here are some examples:

4. Charles In Charge

When I was growing up, I vaguely remember family members calling me “Charles in Charge” as a joke. It was a mediocre sitcom about a male nanny that was mildly popular in the 80’s.

“But Brett,” you interrupt, “why is this even here, if it was only somewhat successful?”

Because of Scott Baio, obviously. Scott Baio plays Charles, in “Charles in Charge.” He also played Chachi in “Joanie Loves Chachi,” which was a spin-off of “Happy Days.” Happy Days was a great sitcom which featured Ron Howard, who is a great director. Don’t believe me? Go watch “A Beautiful Mind”.

Yea ok, so that one was kind of a stretch.

3. Charles Chaplin

Quick think of something funny! There’s a 99% chance the thing you just thought of either was a bit Charles (Charlie) Chaplin did, or someone did it to copy/ripoff/pay homage to Charles Chaplin.

Remember that scene in “Gold Rush” where Charles makes bread dance? That was awesome.

“But Brett,” you annoyingly interrupt again, “I have two really annoying comments to make.”

Ok, go ahead.

“Well first of all, his name is ‘Charlie’ not ‘Charles,’ and second he is known for playing a loser!”

Finished? Ok good. Well his real name is Charles, its on his birth certificate. If you don’t believe me go look for it in Hawaii (that’s where they keep important birth certificates right?) Charlie is just a nickname, do you really not understand that? Do I have to explain how nicknames work?

Also, the Tramp is far from being a loser. In fact, he is the ultimate hero. He goes up against tyrants, bullies, millionaires, country bumpkins, bosses, politicians, snobby intellectuals, basically anybody that people don’t like, the Tramp pulls down their pants or makes them eat a shoelace or something. Sure his pants probably fall down in the process or he also eats that shoelace, but he ends up with the girl or some kind of moral, or sometimes just the same as he started. But he never loses. 

2. Charles Darwin

Boy evolution is something, huh? I mean to think we came from a little drip of pond scum and now writing funny quips about being descendants of little drips of pond scum that nobody will ever read. But evolution wouldn’t be possible without one man: Charles Darwin. Just kidding. Charles didn’t invent evolution, God did. Well…let’s not get into that. What Charles did do is write a book that put forth a theory of how we got to be here. And it’s a book that we still draw on for most of our ideas about how the world works to this day. Kind of like the Bible. But better. It’s like he wrote the Science Bible.  

1. Charles the Great

Who’s Charles the Great? Oh you know, just the guy who’s responsible for Europe. You probably know him as his dumb French name: Charlemagne. In German he’s called Karl Der Grosse, which sounds pretty badass. This dude basically created white people. Before him, Rome was dead, and the Dark Ages were fucking dark. Thanks to him, there is a section in Art History books about “Medieval Art” and not just skull-bashing and dragon-lore. He essentially took all the cool things about being a mead-drinking, gruel-eating barbarian and mixed it with all the cool things about being a bath-housing, robe-wearing Roman and made Western Culture. Great is his last name. He’s Charles. I’m not.

There’s plenty more great Charles’s out there (Dickins, Lindburg, Manson, and the Chocolate Factory), but I think these four make a pretty strong case that we should all try to be a little more Charles, and a little less whatever shitty name our parents gave us.

Oh hey internet. Sorry it’s been a few weeks. I’ve been busy. With what? Uhh I don’t know just busy. Look I don’t have to answer to you—ouch, you’re hurting me, please let go, internet, I’m sorry ok? I’m sorry, you’re hurting me, ouch!

That was kind of offensive to people in abusive relationships. So I’m sorry. Not sorry enough to press the “Backspace” key though.

ANYWAY. The reason I’m here today is because I’m moving, and I want to talk a little bit about it: it sucks.

That’s not totally true. Its good and bad at the same time, decided entirely by the contexts of the move, where you are coming from and where you are going. Generally, I’m pretty excited to move. Here are the top reasons why:

5. I generally don’t like where I live.

This one is pretty self-explanatory, but I’ll explain it more, otherwise what’s the point of having this blog, really? I live in Bushwick, a neighborhood of Brooklyn located right next to Williamsburg. Hipsters have been moving to Bushwick for a few years now, but I unfortunately live in the ugliest and dirtiest part of this neighborhood. Where some parts of Bushwick are old factories that have been converted into super-cool lofts, or organic pizza restaurants, my part of Bushwick has about a million bodegas and a rat problem.

On top of this I don’t really like the house I live in. I live in a three-story two-family style row-house with seven other people (we’ll get there next). This is not a brownstone. It is a row house with vinyl siding that is not pleasant on the eyes. It’s an ugly house in a row of ugly, dilapidated houses in a neighborhood of ugly, dilapidated buildings. There isn’t enough room in the house for how many people current live there, so in what should be a supply closet with a door leading into my room, lives another person. To reiterate, a person lives in a 5ftx8ft closet that has a door leading into my room. This offers virtually no privacy for me or this other person. Another person lives in what used to be our living room. Two housemates were dating and sharing a room, and after breaking up, the house decided it was cool for one of them to just take over the living room instead. Did I mention I was living in a cooperative house where all decisions were made by consensus?

4. I lived in a cooperative.

If you look to the upper-right hand corner of the screen you’ll notice that is says “Half-Comedy. Half-Political.” Up to this point its pretty much been all comedy (or none if you don’t think I’m funny) and no politics. But it should be known that I’m pretty radically left. So to me, living in an intentional living cooperative sounded pretty cool. We wouldn’t just be distant roommates, but try to create a culture where we live and blah blah blah, cue the Indigenous drum music and break out the incense. Or in my case, seeing as they were this weird hippie-hipster crossbreed, cue the ear-drum-piercing dubstep-rave music and and break out the molly.

Either way, what I at first saw as the hope of a great alternative living situation, quickly turned into another notch in my “bad-living-arrangements” belt. They had dogs that would periodically shit on the floor. They constantly ate food that did not belong to them (and coincidentally belonged to me). They smoked cigarettes and weed in common areas, talked a lot about cooperation, but frequently looked for extremely individualistic solutions to problems. It was hypocritical, and I couldn’t be a part of it. The problem was not really that I lived in a co-op, but that I wanted to live in a co-op but instead lived in a shitty house in Bushwick with hipsters.

I don’t want people to get me wrong. For the most part I did like these people personally (for the most part), but that does not mean I should have lived with them. I should have maybe smoked pot with them once in a while. But living with them was a mistake.

3. It was far away from friends

New York City has the best public transit system in the entire world. That’s some opinion, but also some fact. There are a lot of issues with service and people like to complain about late subways incessantly (myself included), but generally, if you have $2.25, the MTA will get you where you need to go anywhere in the city of New York.

That being said, if you live in Bushwick, off the J train, don’t expect to be able to get anywhere besides the Lower East Side with any inkling of convenience. None of my friends lived near me, I don’t like hipsters, and most of my closest friends had no desire to come to Brooklyn. There was no reason to spend time in Brooklyn, and yet, it was so hard to get other places. Maybe my friends could have been better at trying to see if they liked Brooklyn, but we all came from places Uptown, and I didn’t care enough to try to figure Brooklyn out myself. This was ultimately one of the deciding factors in my decision to move because it shouldn’t take an hour and three subways to get to a friends apartment within the city limits. Are there still city limits?

2. It was far away from work.

Again: New York City has a great public transportation system, blah blah blah….the MTA will get you where you need to go, etc.

I work in the Bronx, which is far away from Brooklyn. Like 90-minutes-by-subway far. So I’ve spending about fifteen hours a week just traveling to and from work. At first it was ok. I was listening to new music. I had started reading Moby Dick (Spoiler: They all die in the end). I read the daily free papers, amNewYork and Metro. I occupied my time properly, 99% of it at least (nailed it!). Then all these things got boring. I had listened to all four of the Felice Brothers albums till I began to hate their awesome indie-folky sound (seriously though, that’s impossible).

I began listening to podcasts a few months ago instead, which was great. Podcasts ranged from 40-90 minutes so I could listen to anywhere between two and five in a single day depending on which ones I was listening to. But I am reaching a point now that scientists often refer to as “Peak-Podcast.” This phenomenon is a lot like “Peak-Oil.” Pretty soon I will know way too much about Marc Maron’s personal life and will have heard every single person that does a podcast on ever other person’s podcast promoting their own podcast that I will podcast a podcast podcast. Podcast. Seriously though check out my podcast at thesockpartypodcast.podbean.com. It’s a real thing.

1. I wanted to.

I can get a little stir crazy sometimes, and if I don’t like something or someone I’m known to just burn bridges. At some point I decided I didn’t want to live there so I made plans to move.

I don’t really know how to end this blog. I wanna make a big funny joke but I feel like I shot my wad on the podcast plug joke. Ok, I guess I’ll just see you later internet….So can you unlock the door please? Internet? Can you please let me out of the basement? I think the door’s stuck. Can anybody hear me? Is that a dead body down here?

Hey everyone!

First time, long time. I’ve been a fan of the internet for a dog’s age. But this is my first attempt at blogging, fueled by my recent success on twitter via @imnotcharles (I got 66 followers, NBD) and the fact that I have an ego.

Love,

Brett