I'm Not Charles!

I'm Not Charles and Welcome to the Harbowl

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 13:50:00 -0500

There is so much to catch up on. First off, obviously I’m not a good blogger. Secondly, 2013??? Uh, Mayans, can you say “WRONG MUCH”!!! I missed a lot of laughs in the past six or so months. There were so many pertinent social phenomena on which you were probably looking for someone’s wry, irreverent, wacky opinion, specifically someone NOT named Charles. I am sorry I let you down. PS I’m not really sad about stuff anymore! I had a great summer, have a cool new job, and other things in my social life have progressed but I’m not making the same mistake of talking about my love life on the internet. I LEARNED MY LESSON OK?

SPORTS! My first post was about the Super Bowl (RIP The Giants’ 2012-2013 season). This one is too. The Harbaugh brothers are heading to the big show, in a game that will forever be known as the “Harbowl” because sportscasters absolutely live for name- or place-based puns. It’s what they got into sports journalism for in the first place.

What you guys didn’t know, but probably guessed, is that the Harbaugh brothers are super competitive. The Harbowl is just another in a long line of Brother v. Brother events in the storied history of Jim and the other one (John? I could google it but who cares, Jim’s gonna win. Jim coaches the 49ers, right?).

Through some expert hijinks and all-around gumption, I recently uncovered the Harbaugh brothers’ list of random competitions they’ve had with each their entire lives. Call it the Harbaughlympics. The Harbathalon. The Winter Harbaughlympics.

Published for the first time anywhere on the internet, I give you Harbaugh v. Harbaugh:

Whoever owns the more expensive automobile is the winner of the Carbowl.

Whoever can spot Orion’s Belt first is the winner of the Starbowl.

Whoever can slay more mystical-looking Arctic Ocean-dwelling whales is the winner of the Narbowl.

Whoever makes the best strawberry jam in the winner of the Jarbowl.

Whoever has to travel the longest distance to New Orleans is the winner of the Farbowl.

Whoever has nicer kitchen countertops is the winner of the Marbowl.

Whoever draws better out-dated, racist cartoons is the winner of the Tarbowl.

Whoever can do more pull-ups is the winner of the Barbowl. (Not as clever)

Whoever can teach a better moral using allegory is the winner of the Parbowl.

Whoever turns into a Werewolf first is the winner of the Rawrbowl.

Whoever can write a better academic essay comparing Ben Affleck the Director to Ben Affleck the Actor is the winner of the Argbowl.

Whoever gets eaten by a giant space-slug is the winner of the Gwarbowl.

Whoever can solve for X fastest is the winner of the Varbowl.

Whoever can hand-make the most realistic “Alex from Clockwork Orange” Halloween costume is the winner of the Yarbowl.

Whoever cooks pork the slowest is the winner of the Charbowl.

Whoever spends the most time in China without contracting a disease is the winner of the Sarbowl.

Whoever has sex with the oldest woman is the winner of the Demi Morbowl.

Whoever can annoy their father the quickest is the winner of the Irebowl.

Whoever’s team has the most Notre Dame alumni is the winner of the Irebowl II.

Whoever voted for George W. Bush the most times is the winner of the Warbowl.

Whoever brings the best snacks to a camping trip is the winner of the Smorbowl.

Whoever gets a retroactive CGI’ed cameo in a Ryan Gosling indie film is the winner of the Real Girl and Larbowl.

WELL there you have it. Man was this post HORRORBOWL. (I GUARANTEE an announcer says that about whoever loses.)

Carbowl, Starbowl, and any other “Bowls” mentioned on this Microblog, or appearing in any other linked social media platforms are the registered trademark of I’m Not Charles, Inc., a subsidiary of Brettocorp, a family company of the Globo Bobo Evil Company.

Globo Bobo Evil Company: Soilant Green’s not people, we’re people.

I'm Not Charles!: I'm not Charles and the Oscars are coming.

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 17:07:35 -0400

I'm Not Charles!: I'm not Charles and the Oscars are coming. :

imnotcharles:

Yo whats up internet? Not much, just chilling. Cool so let’s get into it. The Oscars are this Sunday and people have some serious opinions about them: who’s going to win, who should win, who’ll never win, who’s hosting, who’s not hosting, will it be funny, is it relevant, what’re the Golden…

I CALLED THE FEY/POEHLER HOSTING TEAM FIRST

My friends made this funny tumblr. Check it.

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 13:53:05 -0400

My friends made this funny tumblr. Check it.

The Chase is the Thing and the Thing is the Chase

Thu, 09 Aug 2012 16:11:01 -0400

thechrisgethardshow:

For Chris: I’ve always really wanted to get into acting and/or comedy but I’m terrified of failing at it. How do you get the courage to perform?

- Anonymous

Here’s a question I answer on a pretty frequent basis. I will happily go off on this topic, as I think I have some unique experiences that allow me to offer some perspective that might help you.

Read More

I got sad and happy reading this.

emceezansari: Carter IV This is awesome.

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 10:09:25 -0400

emceezansari:

Carter IV

This is awesome.

I'm not Charles and this is fair warning

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 12:15:39 -0400

I realized I’ve been doing this blogging thing all wrong. Starting at this moment, I’m Not Charles will transition into what a real tumblr is supposed to be. Less sporadic, long-winded essays from me, and more posting multimedia shit I think is funny, plus sporadic long-winded essays from me.

You’ve been warned.

I'm Not Charles and I Like Ice Cream

Fri, 27 Jul 2012 09:46:00 -0400

I think I have consistency problems. In my stool. My stool has a weird consistency.

Nah, that’s a joke. I just mean I have problems updating this blog regularly. And the last few posts have been super personal, whiny type shit and that’s not what I’m about. So I decided to lighten the mood of this blog today and have some fun with it. And what’s more fun than ice cream? NOTHING! Answered before you could! So today I am gonna review a few different flavors of ice cream and let you know what I think about them. I’m not saying you can’t disagree. It’s just one guy’s opinion! So enough chit chat, on with the reviews.

1. Chunky Monkey

Off the bat, I feel weird about fruit ice cream. It pretty much doesn’t work for me. Not really because of the taste, more ideologically. Ice cream is supposed to be a treat and if I feel like there’s any possible way I’m getting nutrition from it, the whole thing is ruined.

BUT, Bananas are where I make that exception. Bananas are the candy of fruit in my mind. I just remember growing up, my brothers and me were discouraged from eating a lot of bananas. We could never have more than one in a sitting. I still don’t really know why and maybe I’ll ask my mom and have a follow up to this. If we wanted to have two apples, we definitely could have. So bananas have always held this mystical quality in my life. And I think it’s why I’ve always allowed myself to enjoy banana ice cream. However, that covers the “monkey,” and not the “chunky.” The “chunky” is walnuts, and I wholeheartedly disagree with mixing ice cream and nuts. So Chunky Monkey gets 2 out of 5 scoops (still more than a single serving).

2. Fudge Swirl

I’ve been at odds with this flavor of ice cream for as long as I can remember. I’m not a huge fan of vanilla (don’t worry, we’ll get there), but matched with the chocolate sauce it’s pretty good. Then again, this seems like a real ploy by the ice cream companies to pre-manufacture a hot fudge sundae. Yet they left out the whipped cream. If you’re gonna stuff the fudge in there, you might as well go the whole nine yards. Also, the temperature of the fudge is a real issue. Half the point of a hot fudge sundae is that the chocolate is hot! Because of their willful and lame deceit in an effort to draw money away from the hot fudge industry, Fudge Swirl gets 1 out of 5 scoops (which is a healthy amount if it’s just once in a while).

3. Vanilla

Ugh, could there ever be a more boring, less satisfying “treat.” What is the point of vanilla? It’s like eating plain bread. Vanilla is the building block of so many great flavors, but by itself? By itself, Vanilla is….is…is…VANILLA! Remember that time when you were a kid and you thought those legal folders were called Vanilla Folders? That’s what Vanilla is. A blandly colored piece of thin cardboard meant to hold other more important papers. Vanilla gets ZERO scoops out of five (that’s good for your diet though).

4. Double Fudge Brownie

If ice cream flavors were countries, Double Fudge Brownie would be the Good Ol’ U.S. of A. It screams over-indulgence and over-compensation. There are so many great things that make up a Double Fudge Brownie, but it goes too far. It ceases to have meaning at a certain point and nothing stands out. If you’re gonna add things into an ice cream, they gotta be different things. Chocolate on chocolate on chocolate is fucking insane. And it’s dangerous and I am not gonna stand idly by as we use our bloated military budget to occupy, destroy, and rebuild sovereign nations of the world!

But, still that shit tastes good so 4 out of 5 schools (you’re seriously gonna eat all of that?).

5. Chocolate

Man oh man. The mother of all ice cream flavors. Chocolate is legitimately a reason why sometimes I consider the existence of God. Not that I think chocolate is divine or anything like that, but isn’t it crazy that of all the weird little beans and fruits and whatever that grow on plants in South America, people found this, found out how to infuse it with milk and sugar, and made Chocolate? I guess maybe that’s a better argument for Man’s own natural dominance, which could also be an argument for a God. That’s off-topic, but still. It’s chocolate. There is no other flavor in the world that people have formed addictions to. It’s chocolate. Enough said. 5 out of 5 scoops (lemme back up this truck, lard-ass).

There’s probably a lot of other flavors I could have reviewed. Full disclosure Mint Chocolate Chip is actually my go-to flavor, but I felt like I needed more time to give it a real honest review. Feel free to sound off in the comments about what flavors you like or want to see reviews of.

God, I’m fat piece of shit. I can’t believe I literally just wrote a blog about ice cream. What is wrong with me?

I'm Not Charles and Where Have I Been?

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 15:47:00 -0400

Hello internet. It’s be a little bit of a while. I’ve been getting a lot of feedback from fans asking to write another blog because the last one ended on kind of a depressing note…Wait scratch that, I’ve gotten no feedback. As you know if you read the last post, I ended a relationship two months ago that has proved to be an important moment in my life. But don’t worry, I’m doing great! I have a new girlfriend who is awesome. She is from Canada and we met at summer camp so you couldn’t possibly know her or ever get to meet her because she is super busy and only visits on weekends that you are not around. Her name? Oh her name is…uh…Keyboard….Emptybottlesofwhiskey. Yes, her full name is Keyboard Emptybottlesofwhiskey and no I didn’t just say the first two things I saw like Jan in the Brady Bunch.

Thanks for reading and for your concern though. I’m really doing fine. Good, even. Its been two months since you’ve heard from me and I’m sure you have some ideas about where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to for the last two months. Here are some of the top theories:

1. I’m in Mozambique with the Peace Corps

If you run in the same circles I do, the rich and powerful ones, you probably remember that somebody had gotten into the Peace Corps and was moving to Africa for two years. This sounds somewhat like something I would do. I’ve always been a political activist of sorts and most of you know that I work for a non-profit so its seems like a natural fit. Why wouldn’t I go fight the good fight in Sub-Saharan Africa, providing services to people who need it most. However, as much as it sounds like something I would do, that’s not me. You’re thinking of my friend Lauren who is currently in Africa teaching kids something. I have not left the country nor do I work for the Peace Corps.

2. I did Bath Salts and am now a Zombie.

Pretty good guess. You’ve no doubt been keeping up with current events, so you know all about how ingesting bath salts turns you into a crazy pseudo-monster who can eat peoples faces. I’m pretty flattered and offended that you thought it was me, that I am experimental enough to try bath salts as a mind-altering substance and crazy enough to eat human flesh. You are also wrong, though. I don’t really do many drugs. To be honest, I don’t even really know what bath salts actually are. I do like salty food so extra points if you guessed this scenario based on that knowledge of my eating habits.

3. I am doing a lot of meditative soul searching.

You’re worried about me and really hoping that I have taken this big transitional period of my life and utilized it to really dig deep and find out some answers about who I really am. I like this scenario theoretically. It makes me seem cultured and insightful. Maybe I saw a psychic as a joke, but the things she said really struck a chord with me. Something about how large changes in life happen in order to move us into new territories. In this option I probably also got really into George Harrison because of his spiritual connection to music. Maybe I even started keeping a journal just to organize my thoughts. Most likely, I contacted past girlfriends to get their perspective on where I’ve gone wrong in relationships like in High Fidelity. I probably have a plan to do one thing everyday to make myself a better person. This is not what I’ve been doing with my life, unfortunately. It’s probably what I should have been doing, but then people would roll their eyes at me like I think I’m the first dude who ever got dumped.

(Not me)

4. I’m on a seriously self-destructive bender.

Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, unshaven and unbathed, I’m kind of a depressing sight in this one. I took the break-up pretty hard, especially when I realized that part of being broken up means she’s gonna start kissing other boys. On their dicks. I’ve probably gotten smacked by a few women in the past two months for my out-of-character sexual passes. I probably have contacted past girlfriends and propositioned them, unsuccessfully. It was fun to go out with me at first because after a few drinks I was loud and funny and willing to do anything. But by the time it was last call, I was sitting in a corner drinking alone, probably crying a little bit. You put me in a cab and hoped I got home safe. Thankfully, I’ve held it together pretty well and this is not the correct answer to where I’ve been. Don’t worry, Mom. Also Mom, please don’t read this and if you do, I’m not being serious about anything. It’s just a joke.

5. I’m working my day job, playing video games, finally watching The Wire, doing improv and trying to get back to living my life.

This is definitely the most boring of all the scenarios. Nothing about my life has changed dramatically, except that I have more time spent alone. I try not to think about what happened, and when I do, I try to do things that make me happy to avoid my feelings. And then I write a blog about it. I got into The Wire, which is awesome. I almost beat Skyrim, but that last dragon is fucking hard so I gave up. I still have the same job and am doing ok. I’m taking improv classes and trying to perform as regularly as possible to empty basements in bars. I’ve had some conversations about what comes next with my closest friends and I feel pretty confident that I’m gonna be great, that its kind of insane to think that most things that happen to you at 23 are going to be as important in 10 years. If you guessed this scenario, you are correct! Congratulations. If you’re an attractive woman, email me. If you’re an attractive man, you can also email me I guess. If you’re unattractive…what the hell, email me. I like people! My email is bigbuttl0ver6969@internet.biz

I'm not Charles and I hate couples

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 16:47:00 -0400

Look, I’m going to try not to get too emotional with this short essay (that’s what these are right? I’m getting graded? No? Then why am I writing this), but if I’m being totally honest with you people, I was once half of a couple. Until very recently I was in a pretty serious relationship. The idea for the topic of annoying couples came from a hilarious conversation I had with my partner in which we both admitted to being totally oblivious about how annoyingly in love we are until we see other couples being annoyingly in love. And then I got dumped. Literally less than a month later, I was broken up with. So now I’m all filled with piss and vinegar and whiskey. Side note: next time you’re in the liquor store, definitely shell out the extra $3 for Jim Beam, because “Early Times Kentucky Whiskey” does not go down smoothly.

Looking back on that last paragraph, I really want to delete it. But since my original, happier narrative for this piece was ruined by someone ripping my fucking heart out of my chest (that was a joke, seriously) I have to go down this much meaner, bitter road.

Whether you are single, married, divorced, heartbroken (help), or beginning a beautiful new relationship that will one day end in tears and acoustic guitar lessons, couples are fucking annoying. Here’s why:

5. They are always wearing pajamas

I’m going to assume for arguments sake that anyone reading this is roughly the same age as me, somewhere in their 20s. Most of you probably don’t live with your partners because it is a really huge step in a relationship. However, you want to spend time with the person you love. Here’s the thing: it is awkward when I walk into an apartment fully clothed in jeans and a plaid shirt when you two are sitting there in some combination of sweatpants, gym shorts, and the other person’s T-shirt. And you’re sprawled all over the couch watching ABC Family so there isn’t anywhere for me to sit. Guys, it’s one one o’clock, can you please put some jeans on and can we go get lunch or something? And why the hell are you watching The Flinstones movie!?

4. They always have other plans

Want to go get a drink tonight? Oh you can’t because you two promised to watch last weeks episode of Community together. Well what about this weekend? You’re going to his parents house. Saturday too? Oh you got tickets to a show. Well cool, I’ll see you around then.Even when we make plans, it has to be with both of you because this is her only night off. The only time you ever want me to do something is when you’re trying to get everyone to go see his shitty band play in a bar somewhere.

3. They don’t know how to use the sidewalk

This is pretty much a pet peeve for every person in a major city with pedestrian traffic: nobody knows how to walk. Some people walk to slow, some too fast, some cut you off, some are holding big goofy maps. But couples are absolutely the worst. You cannot take more than a step away from one another without being in some kind of contact. Either your arms around her shoulder, his arm is around your waist, or you two are holding hands. You are always strolling, which makes me wonder if couples ever have anywhere to go or are just waiting till the next re-run of Willy Wonka comes on ABC Family. Guys, that subway is about to pull out of the station, can you please dislodge yourselves from one another so people can walk by. Oh no, you two should definitely stand immediately in front of the entrance to this restaurant while you decide if you feel like Italian. I don’t mind it when you drag him down the block into Macy’s to buy him new jeans. Get out of the way! I have super important things to do like go to an improv class or get a bacon egg and cheese.

2. They are arguing about something

Remember when you were a kid and your parents would have a fight? So you’d go lock yourself in your room under the covers wondering if they were going to get divorced? This is worse. At least back then it was about the mortgage or something. Any real argument that happens between couples, happens behind closed doors so we don’t have to worry about it. These arguments are about what time the you went to bed last night or if you really need to call your mom right now. So we all get to hear are those stupid 30 second back-and-forths that always begin with a sarcastic “Well I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…” and end half a minute later with your head in his or her neck.

1. They have inside jokes that I don’t get

All friends do this, but for some reason when couples do it, it is heightened to such an insane degree. We get that when you two saw 21 Jump Street there was a lady eating baby carrots a row in front of you, but you don’t have to say “Pass the carrots please” in an English accent every time you’re in a movie theater. Your jokes make absolutely no sense and when you explain them they just aren’t funny. Friday Night Lights is a great show, but your Coach and Tammy Taylor bit sucks. Your references to everything are so specific that if I wasn’t in bed with you two when the neighbor started screaming at her cats, I don’t get what you are talking about.

I’m really happy for you though. Sorry if I’m being an asshole. To be fair, some of these examples are actual things I’ve done.

I'm not Charles and I'm not Charles

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 19:40:55 -0400

Hello again. Thanks for your continued readership. I’m sure at this point you either know me or you at least know that I am not Charles. If you know me you are no doubt wondering, why is Brett making this so goddamn confusing? If you don’t know me you’re probably wondering, who the hell is Charles then?

To my friends: I honestly don’t know. I needed a username for twitter and the last time I had a username it was my AIM screen name “DrumsMumsNBums.” So I was looking to go in a different, funnier, direction. I wanted anonymity to a degree, but the ability to be easily found. I’m sorry that I achieved neither of those. In fact, I have revealed myself to the entire internet and have an almost non-existent following. So yea….

To people I’m not friends with: Charles is all of us. Charles is none of us. Charles represents the greatest in man, something we can never obtain. Charles is something I’ve never claimed to be, although it was bestowed upon me in the form of a middle name. Charles is all that we as a species could ever want to be. Here are some examples:

4. Charles In Charge

When I was growing up, I vaguely remember family members calling me “Charles in Charge” as a joke. It was a mediocre sitcom about a male nanny that was mildly popular in the 80’s.

“But Brett,” you interrupt, “why is this even here, if it was only somewhat successful?”

Because of Scott Baio, obviously. Scott Baio plays Charles, in “Charles in Charge.” He also played Chachi in “Joanie Loves Chachi,” which was a spin-off of “Happy Days.” Happy Days was a great sitcom which featured Ron Howard, who is a great director. Don’t believe me? Go watch “A Beautiful Mind”.

Yea ok, so that one was kind of a stretch.

3. Charles Chaplin

Quick think of something funny! There’s a 99% chance the thing you just thought of either was a bit Charles (Charlie) Chaplin did, or someone did it to copy/ripoff/pay homage to Charles Chaplin.

Remember that scene in “Gold Rush” where Charles makes bread dance? That was awesome.

“But Brett,” you annoyingly interrupt again, “I have two really annoying comments to make.”

Ok, go ahead.

“Well first of all, his name is ‘Charlie’ not ‘Charles,’ and second he is known for playing a loser!”

Finished? Ok good. Well his real name is Charles, its on his birth certificate. If you don’t believe me go look for it in Hawaii (that’s where they keep important birth certificates right?) Charlie is just a nickname, do you really not understand that? Do I have to explain how nicknames work?

Also, the Tramp is far from being a loser. In fact, he is the ultimate hero. He goes up against tyrants, bullies, millionaires, country bumpkins, bosses, politicians, snobby intellectuals, basically anybody that people don’t like, the Tramp pulls down their pants or makes them eat a shoelace or something. Sure his pants probably fall down in the process or he also eats that shoelace, but he ends up with the girl or some kind of moral, or sometimes just the same as he started. But he never loses.

2. Charles Darwin

Boy evolution is something, huh? I mean to think we came from a little drip of pond scum and now writing funny quips about being descendants of little drips of pond scum that nobody will ever read. But evolution wouldn’t be possible without one man: Charles Darwin. Just kidding. Charles didn’t invent evolution, God did. Well…let’s not get into that. What Charles did do is write a book that put forth a theory of how we got to be here. And it’s a book that we still draw on for most of our ideas about how the world works to this day. Kind of like the Bible. But better. It’s like he wrote the Science Bible.

1. Charles the Great

Who’s Charles the Great? Oh you know, just the guy who’s responsible for Europe. You probably know him as his dumb French name: Charlemagne. In German he’s called Karl Der Grosse, which sounds pretty badass. This dude basically created white people. Before him, Rome was dead, and the Dark Ages were fucking dark. Thanks to him, there is a section in Art History books about “Medieval Art” and not just skull-bashing and dragon-lore. He essentially took all the cool things about being a mead-drinking, gruel-eating barbarian and mixed it with all the cool things about being a bath-housing, robe-wearing Roman and made Western Culture. Great is his last name. He’s Charles. I’m not.

There’s plenty more great Charles’s out there (Dickins, Lindburg, Manson, and the Chocolate Factory), but I think these four make a pretty strong case that we should all try to be a little more Charles, and a little less whatever shitty name our parents gave us.

I'm not Charles and I'm moving.

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 17:25:36 -0400

Oh hey internet. Sorry it’s been a few weeks. I’ve been busy. With what? Uhh I don’t know just busy. Look I don’t have to answer to you—ouch, you’re hurting me, please let go, internet, I’m sorry ok? I’m sorry, you’re hurting me, ouch!

That was kind of offensive to people in abusive relationships. So I’m sorry. Not sorry enough to press the “Backspace” key though.

ANYWAY. The reason I’m here today is because I’m moving, and I want to talk a little bit about it: it sucks.

That’s not totally true. Its good and bad at the same time, decided entirely by the contexts of the move, where you are coming from and where you are going. Generally, I’m pretty excited to move. Here are the top reasons why:

5. I generally don’t like where I live.

This one is pretty self-explanatory, but I’ll explain it more, otherwise what’s the point of having this blog, really? I live in Bushwick, a neighborhood of Brooklyn located right next to Williamsburg. Hipsters have been moving to Bushwick for a few years now, but I unfortunately live in the ugliest and dirtiest part of this neighborhood. Where some parts of Bushwick are old factories that have been converted into super-cool lofts, or organic pizza restaurants, my part of Bushwick has about a million bodegas and a rat problem.

On top of this I don’t really like the house I live in. I live in a three-story two-family style row-house with seven other people (we’ll get there next). This is not a brownstone. It is a row house with vinyl siding that is not pleasant on the eyes. It’s an ugly house in a row of ugly, dilapidated houses in a neighborhood of ugly, dilapidated buildings. There isn’t enough room in the house for how many people current live there, so in what should be a supply closet with a door leading into my room, lives another person. To reiterate, a person lives in a 5ftx8ft closet that has a door leading into my room. This offers virtually no privacy for me or this other person. Another person lives in what used to be our living room. Two housemates were dating and sharing a room, and after breaking up, the house decided it was cool for one of them to just take over the living room instead. Did I mention I was living in a cooperative house where all decisions were made by consensus?

4. I lived in a cooperative.

If you look to the upper-right hand corner of the screen you’ll notice that is says “Half-Comedy. Half-Political.” Up to this point its pretty much been all comedy (or none if you don’t think I’m funny) and no politics. But it should be known that I’m pretty radically left. So to me, living in an intentional living cooperative sounded pretty cool. We wouldn’t just be distant roommates, but try to create a culture where we live and blah blah blah, cue the Indigenous drum music and break out the incense. Or in my case, seeing as they were this weird hippie-hipster crossbreed, cue the ear-drum-piercing dubstep-rave music and and break out the molly.

Either way, what I at first saw as the hope of a great alternative living situation, quickly turned into another notch in my “bad-living-arrangements” belt. They had dogs that would periodically shit on the floor. They constantly ate food that did not belong to them (and coincidentally belonged to me). They smoked cigarettes and weed in common areas, talked a lot about cooperation, but frequently looked for extremely individualistic solutions to problems. It was hypocritical, and I couldn’t be a part of it. The problem was not really that I lived in a co-op, but that I wanted to live in a co-op but instead lived in a shitty house in Bushwick with hipsters.

I don’t want people to get me wrong. For the most part I did like these people personally (for the most part), but that does not mean I should have lived with them. I should have maybe smoked pot with them once in a while. But living with them was a mistake.

3. It was far away from friends

New York City has the best public transit system in the entire world. That’s some opinion, but also some fact. There are a lot of issues with service and people like to complain about late subways incessantly (myself included), but generally, if you have $2.25, the MTA will get you where you need to go anywhere in the city of New York.

That being said, if you live in Bushwick, off the J train, don’t expect to be able to get anywhere besides the Lower East Side with any inkling of convenience. None of my friends lived near me, I don’t like hipsters, and most of my closest friends had no desire to come to Brooklyn. There was no reason to spend time in Brooklyn, and yet, it was so hard to get other places. Maybe my friends could have been better at trying to see if they liked Brooklyn, but we all came from places Uptown, and I didn’t care enough to try to figure Brooklyn out myself. This was ultimately one of the deciding factors in my decision to move because it shouldn’t take an hour and three subways to get to a friends apartment within the city limits. Are there still city limits?

2. It was far away from work.

Again: New York City has a great public transportation system, blah blah blah….the MTA will get you where you need to go, etc.

I work in the Bronx, which is far away from Brooklyn. Like 90-minutes-by-subway far. So I’ve spending about fifteen hours a week just traveling to and from work. At first it was ok. I was listening to new music. I had started reading Moby Dick (Spoiler: They all die in the end). I read the daily free papers, amNewYork and Metro. I occupied my time properly, 99% of it at least (nailed it!). Then all these things got boring. I had listened to all four of the Felice Brothers albums till I began to hate their awesome indie-folky sound (seriously though, that’s impossible).

I began listening to podcasts a few months ago instead, which was great. Podcasts ranged from 40-90 minutes so I could listen to anywhere between two and five in a single day depending on which ones I was listening to. But I am reaching a point now that scientists often refer to as “Peak-Podcast.” This phenomenon is a lot like “Peak-Oil.” Pretty soon I will know way too much about Marc Maron’s personal life and will have heard every single person that does a podcast on ever other person’s podcast promoting their own podcast that I will podcast a podcast podcast. Podcast. Seriously though check out my podcast at thesockpartypodcast.podbean.com. It’s a real thing.

1. I wanted to.

I can get a little stir crazy sometimes, and if I don’t like something or someone I’m known to just burn bridges. At some point I decided I didn’t want to live there so I made plans to move.

I don’t really know how to end this blog. I wanna make a big funny joke but I feel like I shot my wad on the podcast plug joke. Ok, I guess I’ll just see you later internet….So can you unlock the door please? Internet? Can you please let me out of the basement? I think the door’s stuck. Can anybody hear me? Is that a dead body down here?

I'm not Charles and the Oscars are coming.

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 15:17:00 -0500

Yo whats up internet? Not much, just chilling. Cool so let’s get into it. The Oscars are this Sunday and people have some serious opinions about them: who’s going to win, who should win, who’ll never win, who’s hosting, who’s not hosting, will it be funny, is it relevant, what’re the Golden Globes, who’s BAFTA? The Blogosphere is filled with shit about the Oscars. And I don’t blame them, because who doesn’t like seeing George Clooney in formal wear.

But seriously y’all, let’s all take a deep breathe and finally admit that the only award show that ever mattered was the VMAs. That being said I’m gonna weigh in on some of the more heated Oscars buzz, because that’s essentially why I created this blog: a delusion of self-importance.

1. The Artist

I have to be honest, I didn’t see The Artist. I did however almost see The Artist. By that I mean I got on a subway (Whats up NYC?) went to the Angelika Film Center (Whats up Soho?), walked up to the ticket counter (What’s up minimum wage employee?), and when I was about to say “One for the Artist”, I saw out of the corner of my eye a poster for a movie named Carnage, starring Jodie Foster, Kate Winslet, John C. Reilly, and Christoph Waltz, written and directed by Roman Polanski (I was really close to saying “What’s up little girls” right here). I literally thought to myself, “How can this not be good?” Boy was I wrong. The movie was adapted from a play, and that was totally obvious by its dialouge, staging, even the way it was shot. The whole thing dragged on until the end, when nothing gets resolved and you’ve seen Kate Winslet puke. Actually that part was ok.

But this experience essentially sums up my feelings about The Artist in general. Everyone wants to like it and wants for it to win. But when it comes down to it, we’d rather see crappy movies than a black-and-white silent film.

2. Billy Crystal

I’m gonna come out and say it. I’m glad Billy’s back hosting the Oscars. I don’t watch the entire show every year, but I like to check out some of it like most of the non-vegetable human population. After last years terrible job by James Franco and Anne Hathaway, it only seems natural to retreat back to a tried and true regular. And I get the argument that the Oscars want to attract a younger crowd, but if that is really what you are going for, get someone funny to do it.

My list of great future Oscar hosts:

Steve Carrell
Amy Poehler
Tina Fey
Amy Poehler and Tina Fey
Will Arnett and Amy Poehler
Aziz Anzari
Joel McHale
Donald Glover and Danny Pudi

Actually, pretty much anyone from an NBC sitcom….On second thought I take that back.

Bottom line, Billy Crystal is funny and he knows what he’s doing. I’m ok with it.

3. The Oscars “relevance”

I have heard different sides of this from a few people. One camp thinks that with the diversity in film genre, media consumption, etc etc, that the Academy Awards, and perhaps the Academy, is simply not relevant. The other camp thinks that despite award shows like Golden Globes becoming more popular, that an Academy award still means alot for a movie and the careers of those involved.

My opinion? I honestly don’t care. I’ve been saying for five years that I’m going to go back and watch all the Oscar Best Picture winners from history, yet whenever it’s time to choose a film to watch I wind up putting on Tommy Boy. It’s a funny movie so back off. Yet, I still have a reverence for past winners. I think Annie Hall is a great movie, I think Meryl Streep is a great actress, and I think Stephen Hunter Flick is a great sound editor (who?). And I think it’s great that they all get recognition for the great art they perform. But I still think Tommy Boy is a hell of a movie.

I'm not Charles and I have (had) a beard.

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 17:02:54 -0500

Considering the breakout success of my first blog post, I decided to keep the hits coming. I know that a total of four people read my first blog, and thats four times more than my expected readership. My blog got two Facebook likes, as well as two personal text messages telling me how funny I am. Full disclosure, one was from my girlfriend (sorry ladies) and the other from a close friend. But when all is said and done, I’d say I’m heading right for the top.

Now after the initial success of “I’m not Charles and I like the Giants,” I felt a lot of pressure to perform. What topic would I take on next that was part of the cultural zeitgeist? Should I give people my Oscars picks? Do they care? For those wondering, my pick for every Oscar is “Hugo” because its the only nominated movie I saw and its about movies; it just seems like a perfect fit.

I gave myself a good long look in the mirror and realized the answer was right in front of me: my beard. I have a beard. It’s not a great one, but it’s mine. I’ve been growing it for almost two months and recently decided that it was time me and my hairy friend went our separate ways, amicably of course. But I don’t have anything against beards, in fact I enjoy them. It seems that today beards have social baggage stemming from their popularity with hip youngsters (abbreviated to hip-sters) and an association with other things popular with these hip-sters like art or music (boring). But beards have a long history of greatness that shouldn’t be swept under the rug because a small group of white people like them.

There’s alot of reasons beards are really great. Here’s a few:

1. Cavemen had them.

2. They hide homosexuality.

3. Women can’t grow them.

4. They keep your face warm.

Deciding to grow a good beard is a big decision in a person’s life. But deciding to shave is even bigger. Most “bearders” (as we call ourselves) like to keep their beard for a long time, periodically trimming and growing. But I am a man of extremes, so I have decided that I am going to shave the whole thing off and that you will have VIP access to it.

Shaving your beard is a lot like having a relative die. I am going to walk you through this painful, but eventually cathartic process, step-by-step.

1. Denial

So you’ve decided it is time to shave. You just bought a razor and shaving cream, or if you’re stupid, an electric razor. It’s moments before you are preparing to shave, and you begin to tremble. This can’t be real, you tell yourself, me and my beard have been through so much together. Remember that time I almost spilled spaghetti sauce on my shirt, but my beard caught it. You are in denial, refusing to accept the reality. You’re not ready to lose your beard and all the good times you’ve had together. But you already spent money on supplies and so you must press on.

2. Anger

You’ve lathered your face with shaving cream and taken the first swipe at your face with your razor. OUCH! Your soft skin begins to bleed. You hate shaving, you hate razors and shaving cream and everything. Why do you have to shave? Why can’t somebody else shave? It’s just not fair. Everybody is out to get you and your beard. This is so painful and time-consuming, whoever invented shaving is a moron. Whoever invented beards is a moron who purposely did so because he wanted to cause me pain! Yet, you’ve removed a large chunk of hair from your face and so you must press on.

3. Bargaining

Ok, you’re doing pretty well, with a large portion of your facial hair shaved off. But you begin to think, I don’t need to do this. There are other options. I could just have a goatee. Goatees are cool, look at Stone Cold Steve Austin. Everybody likes him! If I have a goatee I’ll be just like him and everything will be fine. Don’t make me shave my beard Stone Cold Steve, I’m not ready! But Stone Cold Steve doesn’t answer. And in the silence you remember the late Nineties when your dad had a goatee and how stupid he looked and so you must press on.

4. Depression

You are getting closer to a clean-shaven face with every swipe. You pause for a moment, staring at yourself in the mirror. Who is that? That can’t be me! You see a few pimples that your beard had successfully hid. You notice your double chin that your beard had been so good at disguising. And that moustache! What ever gave you the idea that you even had good facial hair! You begin to remember what your beard really looked like to everyone else. It was patchy and scraggly. Some parts grew in thicker than others. Did I really look like a hobo for the past two months? Is that why people kept giving me half-eaten sandwiches on the subway? I never want to leave my house again! Snap out of it! You are just experiencing depression, a common stage in the shaving process. If you stop now you will look like some kind of half-assed pedophile-pornstar-conquistador hybrid and so you must press on.

5. Acceptance

It’s gone. And you’re….ok. You made it unscathed, except for a small cut and some razor burn. As you look at yourself you begin to realize, wait a second, I have a face. I have a decent-looking face that I had been hiding from the world with my beard. Look out everyone, my face is here and its saying “I’m smooth!” And it is smooth, just like your sleak new look. You can shave. You can shave everyday if you want to. It’s just a part of life. And if you ever miss your beard too much, you can just grow another one. You’ve been overreacting a little bit about this whole thing. You even wrote a blog about it. Just chill out.

So there you have it. Beards are great, but so are faces. So whatever you do, do it well. Just don’t grow a goatee. I don’t care what Stone Cold Steve Austin says.

I'm not Charles and I like the Giants.

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 21:39:00 -0500

So two days ago the New York Football Giants won the Super Bowl. That was awesome, right? Alot of people might be saying, “Nah, I’m a Jets fan,” or “Nah, I’m a Cowboys fan,” or “Nah, I’m a mongoloid and I eat my own feces.”

I’m here to set the record straight. No matter who you really like, its actually great that the Giants won. Or at least its great that the Patriots lost.

1. Bill Belichick is a cheater.

Seriously, remember when this guy got caught cheating. Against THE JETS! Now I googled “patriots cheating” to get some more information about this so I could sound like I knew what I was talking about. What this google search reminded me was that this event was commonly known as “Spygate” (which sounds like a movie starring Keifer Sutherland). Unbeknownst to me, that was only one of four different events known as “Spygate.” Two of which involved actual spies, and one of which involved Formula One racing. Suffice it to say, this was the lamest of the “Spygates.” BUT I DIGRESS. Bill Bellicheck is a power hungry cheater who will do anything to win. Which brings me to my next point….

2. Bill Belichick is actually evil

This guy has won THREE Super Bowls, yet I’ve never seen him smile. When doing a a google image search (its called research) I found one picture of him smiling.

Notice how his teeth are showing, yet his mouth is still curved downward. It’s really an act of aggression more than anything else. Children have nightmares about that face.

And it is not just that he doesn’t smile. It’s that he has an overall evil demeanor about it. Belichick is a villain. He’s Jon Voight in Varsity Blues. He’s Jon Voight in Misson: Impossible. He’s Jon Voight in…Holes.

3.Tom Brady has an attractive wife, who is a sore loser.

Giselle Bundchen sure has alot to say about football for someone who’s last name is Bundchen. And she’s right, Tom Brady can’t throw and catch the ball at the same time. Coincidentally, Wes Welker can’t run and catch the ball at the same time.

But seriously, I’m glad Tom Brady lost, purely for the fact that his life is too good at this point and everyone needs to be taken down a peg or two. I mean look at the guy. He’s got great hair, a sharp jawline, and a beautiful German wife who understand football and isn’t afraid to drop an f-bomb. Leave some for the rest of us Tom.

4. The Giants wear America’s colors.

Now I know what you’re about to say. “But Brett, the Patriots are also red, white, and blue.” Well shuttup for a second and let me finish.

First of all, the Giants are America’s team. We are located in the world capitol of business, culture, art, and music: East Rutherford, New Jersey. Seriously what other team has the gall to bring the Vince Lombardi Trophy back to the swamps of North Jersey. I don’t mean metaphorically, I mean that the New York Giants have, as of tonight, transported the Lombardi trophy from their parade in the middle of Manhattan, back to their stadium in East Rutherford, right off of Route 3.

Second of all, the patriots have some stupid dark blue. Looks more like France’s colors to me.

5. I genuinely like rubbing people’s faces in shit.

Now this is the most important one. I’ve been a Giants fan all my life. And its pretty hard. Jets fans have found their niche of being bad and also being cocky (Joe Namath’s shoulders are getting pretty heavy from holding you assholes up). But the Giants have always just had mediocre seasons. I mean look at their records after winning Super Bowl XLII (13-6) and Super Bowl XLVI (12-7). For reference, they had the same regular season record as the Tennessee Titans. But they’ve also been in the playoffs 6 times in the last 10 years, with two Super Bowl victories. So they aren’t bad either. Its just hard to celebrate being a Giants fan because it’s never really been cool.

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say here. I guess it’s something like: HAHAHAHAHAHA GIANTS WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EAT SHIT COWBOYS, EAGLES, JETS, AND PATRIOTS!!!!

My First Blog

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 17:05:00 -0500

Hey everyone!

First time, long time. I’ve been a fan of the internet for a dog’s age. But this is my first attempt at blogging, fueled by my recent success on twitter via @imnotcharles (I got 66 followers, NBD) and the fact that I have an ego.

Love,

Brett