Hello internet. It’s be a little bit of a while. I’ve been getting a lot of feedback from fans asking to write another blog because the last one ended on kind of a depressing note…Wait scratch that, I’ve gotten no feedback. As you know if you read the last post, I ended a relationship two months ago that has proved to be an important moment in my life. But don’t worry, I’m doing great! I have a new girlfriend who is awesome. She is from Canada and we met at summer camp so you couldn’t possibly know her or ever get to meet her because she is super busy and only visits on weekends that you are not around. Her name? Oh her name is…uh…Keyboard….Emptybottlesofwhiskey. Yes, her full name is Keyboard Emptybottlesofwhiskey and no I didn’t just say the first two things I saw like Jan in the Brady Bunch.
Thanks for reading and for your concern though. I’m really doing fine. Good, even. Its been two months since you’ve heard from me and I’m sure you have some ideas about where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to for the last two months. Here are some of the top theories:
1. I’m in Mozambique with the Peace Corps
If you run in the same circles I do, the rich and powerful ones, you probably remember that somebody had gotten into the Peace Corps and was moving to Africa for two years. This sounds somewhat like something I would do. I’ve always been a political activist of sorts and most of you know that I work for a non-profit so its seems like a natural fit. Why wouldn’t I go fight the good fight in Sub-Saharan Africa, providing services to people who need it most. However, as much as it sounds like something I would do, that’s not me. You’re thinking of my friend Lauren who is currently in Africa teaching kids something. I have not left the country nor do I work for the Peace Corps.
2. I did Bath Salts and am now a Zombie.
Pretty good guess. You’ve no doubt been keeping up with current events, so you know all about how ingesting bath salts turns you into a crazy pseudo-monster who can eat peoples faces. I’m pretty flattered and offended that you thought it was me, that I am experimental enough to try bath salts as a mind-altering substance and crazy enough to eat human flesh. You are also wrong, though. I don’t really do many drugs. To be honest, I don’t even really know what bath salts actually are. I do like salty food so extra points if you guessed this scenario based on that knowledge of my eating habits.
3. I am doing a lot of meditative soul searching.
You’re worried about me and really hoping that I have taken this big transitional period of my life and utilized it to really dig deep and find out some answers about who I really am. I like this scenario theoretically. It makes me seem cultured and insightful. Maybe I saw a psychic as a joke, but the things she said really struck a chord with me. Something about how large changes in life happen in order to move us into new territories. In this option I probably also got really into George Harrison because of his spiritual connection to music. Maybe I even started keeping a journal just to organize my thoughts. Most likely, I contacted past girlfriends to get their perspective on where I’ve gone wrong in relationships like in High Fidelity. I probably have a plan to do one thing everyday to make myself a better person. This is not what I’ve been doing with my life, unfortunately. It’s probably what I should have been doing, but then people would roll their eyes at me like I think I’m the first dude who ever got dumped.
4. I’m on a seriously self-destructive bender.
Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, unshaven and unbathed, I’m kind of a depressing sight in this one. I took the break-up pretty hard, especially when I realized that part of being broken up means she’s gonna start kissing other boys. On their dicks. I’ve probably gotten smacked by a few women in the past two months for my out-of-character sexual passes. I probably have contacted past girlfriends and propositioned them, unsuccessfully. It was fun to go out with me at first because after a few drinks I was loud and funny and willing to do anything. But by the time it was last call, I was sitting in a corner drinking alone, probably crying a little bit. You put me in a cab and hoped I got home safe. Thankfully, I’ve held it together pretty well and this is not the correct answer to where I’ve been. Don’t worry, Mom. Also Mom, please don’t read this and if you do, I’m not being serious about anything. It’s just a joke.
5. I’m working my day job, playing video games, finally watching The Wire, doing improv and trying to get back to living my life.
This is definitely the most boring of all the scenarios. Nothing about my life has changed dramatically, except that I have more time spent alone. I try not to think about what happened, and when I do, I try to do things that make me happy to avoid my feelings. And then I write a blog about it. I got into The Wire, which is awesome. I almost beat Skyrim, but that last dragon is fucking hard so I gave up. I still have the same job and am doing ok. I’m taking improv classes and trying to perform as regularly as possible to empty basements in bars. I’ve had some conversations about what comes next with my closest friends and I feel pretty confident that I’m gonna be great, that its kind of insane to think that most things that happen to you at 23 are going to be as important in 10 years. If you guessed this scenario, you are correct! Congratulations. If you’re an attractive woman, email me. If you’re an attractive man, you can also email me I guess. If you’re unattractive…what the hell, email me. I like people! My email is firstname.lastname@example.org