Look, I’m going to try not to get too emotional with this short essay (that’s what these are right? I’m getting graded? No? Then why am I writing this), but if I’m being totally honest with you people, I was once half of a couple. Until very recently I was in a pretty serious relationship. The idea for the topic of annoying couples came from a hilarious conversation I had with my partner in which we both admitted to being totally oblivious about how annoyingly in love we are until we see other couples being annoyingly in love. And then I got dumped. Literally less than a month later, I was broken up with. So now I’m all filled with piss and vinegar and whiskey. Side note: next time you’re in the liquor store, definitely shell out the extra $3 for Jim Beam, because “Early Times Kentucky Whiskey” does not go down smoothly.
Looking back on that last paragraph, I really want to delete it. But since my original, happier narrative for this piece was ruined by someone ripping my fucking heart out of my chest (that was a joke, seriously) I have to go down this much meaner, bitter road.
Whether you are single, married, divorced, heartbroken (help), or beginning a beautiful new relationship that will one day end in tears and acoustic guitar lessons, couples are fucking annoying. Here’s why:
5. They are always wearing pajamas
I’m going to assume for arguments sake that anyone reading this is roughly the same age as me, somewhere in their 20s. Most of you probably don’t live with your partners because it is a really huge step in a relationship. However, you want to spend time with the person you love. Here’s the thing: it is awkward when I walk into an apartment fully clothed in jeans and a plaid shirt when you two are sitting there in some combination of sweatpants, gym shorts, and the other person’s T-shirt. And you’re sprawled all over the couch watching ABC Family so there isn’t anywhere for me to sit. Guys, it’s one one o’clock, can you please put some jeans on and can we go get lunch or something? And why the hell are you watching The Flinstones movie!?
4. They always have other plans
Want to go get a drink tonight? Oh you can’t because you two promised to watch last weeks episode of Community together. Well what about this weekend? You’re going to his parents house. Saturday too? Oh you got tickets to a show. Well cool, I’ll see you around then.Even when we make plans, it has to be with both of you because this is her only night off. The only time you ever want me to do something is when you’re trying to get everyone to go see his shitty band play in a bar somewhere.
3. They don’t know how to use the sidewalk
This is pretty much a pet peeve for every person in a major city with pedestrian traffic: nobody knows how to walk. Some people walk to slow, some too fast, some cut you off, some are holding big goofy maps. But couples are absolutely the worst. You cannot take more than a step away from one another without being in some kind of contact. Either your arms around her shoulder, his arm is around your waist, or you two are holding hands. You are always strolling, which makes me wonder if couples ever have anywhere to go or are just waiting till the next re-run of Willy Wonka comes on ABC Family. Guys, that subway is about to pull out of the station, can you please dislodge yourselves from one another so people can walk by. Oh no, you two should definitely stand immediately in front of the entrance to this restaurant while you decide if you feel like Italian. I don’t mind it when you drag him down the block into Macy’s to buy him new jeans. Get out of the way! I have super important things to do like go to an improv class or get a bacon egg and cheese.
2. They are arguing about something
Remember when you were a kid and your parents would have a fight? So you’d go lock yourself in your room under the covers wondering if they were going to get divorced? This is worse. At least back then it was about the mortgage or something. Any real argument that happens between couples, happens behind closed doors so we don’t have to worry about it. These arguments are about what time the you went to bed last night or if you really need to call your mom right now. So we all get to hear are those stupid 30 second back-and-forths that always begin with a sarcastic “Well I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…” and end half a minute later with your head in his or her neck.
1. They have inside jokes that I don’t get
All friends do this, but for some reason when couples do it, it is heightened to such an insane degree. We get that when you two saw 21 Jump Street there was a lady eating baby carrots a row in front of you, but you don’t have to say “Pass the carrots please” in an English accent every time you’re in a movie theater. Your jokes make absolutely no sense and when you explain them they just aren’t funny. Friday Night Lights is a great show, but your Coach and Tammy Taylor bit sucks. Your references to everything are so specific that if I wasn’t in bed with you two when the neighbor started screaming at her cats, I don’t get what you are talking about.
I’m really happy for you though. Sorry if I’m being an asshole. To be fair, some of these examples are actual things I’ve done.