So two days ago the New York Football Giants won the Super Bowl. That was awesome, right? Alot of people might be saying, “Nah, I’m a Jets fan,” or “Nah, I’m a Cowboys fan,” or “Nah, I’m a mongoloid and I eat my own feces.”
I’m here to set the record straight. No matter who you really like, its actually great that the Giants won. Or at least its great that the Patriots lost.
1. Bill Belichick is a cheater.
Seriously, remember when this guy got caught cheating. Against THE JETS! Now I googled “patriots cheating” to get some more information about this so I could sound like I knew what I was talking about. What this google search reminded me was that this event was commonly known as “Spygate” (which sounds like a movie starring Keifer Sutherland). Unbeknownst to me, that was only one of four different events known as “Spygate.” Two of which involved actual spies, and one of which involved Formula One racing. Suffice it to say, this was the lamest of the “Spygates.” BUT I DIGRESS. Bill Bellicheck is a power hungry cheater who will do anything to win. Which brings me to my next point….
2. Bill Belichick is actually evil
This guy has won THREE Super Bowls, yet I’ve never seen him smile. When doing a a google image search (its called research) I found one picture of him smiling.
Notice how his teeth are showing, yet his mouth is still curved downward. It’s really an act of aggression more than anything else. Children have nightmares about that face.
And it is not just that he doesn’t smile. It’s that he has an overall evil demeanor about it. Belichick is a villain. He’s Jon Voight in Varsity Blues. He’s Jon Voight in Misson: Impossible. He’s Jon Voight in…Holes.
3.Tom Brady has an attractive wife, who is a sore loser.
Giselle Bundchen sure has alot to say about football for someone who’s last name is Bundchen. And she’s right, Tom Brady can’t throw and catch the ball at the same time. Coincidentally, Wes Welker can’t run and catch the ball at the same time.
But seriously, I’m glad Tom Brady lost, purely for the fact that his life is too good at this point and everyone needs to be taken down a peg or two. I mean look at the guy. He’s got great hair, a sharp jawline, and a beautiful German wife who understand football and isn’t afraid to drop an f-bomb. Leave some for the rest of us Tom.
4. The Giants wear America’s colors.
Now I know what you’re about to say. “But Brett, the Patriots are also red, white, and blue.” Well shuttup for a second and let me finish.
First of all, the Giants are America’s team. We are located in the world capitol of business, culture, art, and music: East Rutherford, New Jersey. Seriously what other team has the gall to bring the Vince Lombardi Trophy back to the swamps of North Jersey. I don’t mean metaphorically, I mean that the New York Giants have, as of tonight, transported the Lombardi trophy from their parade in the middle of Manhattan, back to their stadium in East Rutherford, right off of Route 3.
Second of all, the patriots have some stupid dark blue. Looks more like France’s colors to me.
5. I genuinely like rubbing people’s faces in shit.
Now this is the most important one. I’ve been a Giants fan all my life. And its pretty hard. Jets fans have found their niche of being bad and also being cocky (Joe Namath’s shoulders are getting pretty heavy from holding you assholes up). But the Giants have always just had mediocre seasons. I mean look at their records after winning Super Bowl XLII (13-6) and Super Bowl XLVI (12-7). For reference, they had the same regular season record as the Tennessee Titans. But they’ve also been in the playoffs 6 times in the last 10 years, with two Super Bowl victories. So they aren’t bad either. Its just hard to celebrate being a Giants fan because it’s never really been cool.
I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say here. I guess it’s something like: HAHAHAHAHAHA GIANTS WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EAT SHIT COWBOYS, EAGLES, JETS, AND PATRIOTS!!!!