There is so much to catch up on. First off, obviously I’m not a good blogger. Secondly, 2013??? Uh, Mayans, can you say “WRONG MUCH”!!! I missed a lot of laughs in the past six or so months. There were so many pertinent social phenomena on which you were probably looking for someone’s wry, irreverent, wacky opinion, specifically someone NOT named Charles. I am sorry I let you down. PS I’m not really sad about stuff anymore! I had a great summer, have a cool new job, and other things in my social life have progressed but I’m not making the same mistake of talking about my love life on the internet. I LEARNED MY LESSON OK?
SPORTS! My first post was about the Super Bowl (RIP The Giants’ 2012-2013 season). This one is too. The Harbaugh brothers are heading to the big show, in a game that will forever be known as the “Harbowl” because sportscasters absolutely live for name- or place-based puns. It’s what they got into sports journalism for in the first place.
What you guys didn’t know, but probably guessed, is that the Harbaugh brothers are super competitive. The Harbowl is just another in a long line of Brother v. Brother events in the storied history of Jim and the other one (John? I could google it but who cares, Jim’s gonna win. Jim coaches the 49ers, right?).
Through some expert hijinks and all-around gumption, I recently uncovered the Harbaugh brothers’ list of random competitions they’ve had with each their entire lives. Call it the Harbaughlympics. The Harbathalon. The Winter Harbaughlympics.
Published for the first time anywhere on the internet, I give you Harbaugh v. Harbaugh:
Whoever owns the more expensive automobile is the winner of the Carbowl.
Whoever can spot Orion’s Belt first is the winner of the Starbowl.
Whoever can slay more mystical-looking Arctic Ocean-dwelling whales is the winner of the Narbowl.
Whoever makes the best strawberry jam in the winner of the Jarbowl.
Whoever has to travel the longest distance to New Orleans is the winner of the Farbowl.
Whoever has nicer kitchen countertops is the winner of the Marbowl.
Whoever draws better out-dated, racist cartoons is the winner of the Tarbowl.
Whoever can do more pull-ups is the winner of the Barbowl. (Not as clever)
Whoever can teach a better moral using allegory is the winner of the Parbowl.
Whoever turns into a Werewolf first is the winner of the Rawrbowl.
Whoever can write a better academic essay comparing Ben Affleck the Director to Ben Affleck the Actor is the winner of the Argbowl.
Whoever gets eaten by a giant space-slug is the winner of the Gwarbowl.
Whoever can solve for X fastest is the winner of the Varbowl.
Whoever can hand-make the most realistic “Alex from Clockwork Orange” Halloween costume is the winner of the Yarbowl.
Whoever cooks pork the slowest is the winner of the Charbowl.
Whoever spends the most time in China without contracting a disease is the winner of the Sarbowl.
Whoever has sex with the oldest woman is the winner of the Demi Morbowl.
Whoever can annoy their father the quickest is the winner of the Irebowl.
Whoever’s team has the most Notre Dame alumni is the winner of the Irebowl II.
Whoever voted for George W. Bush the most times is the winner of the Warbowl.
Whoever brings the best snacks to a camping trip is the winner of the Smorbowl.
Whoever gets a retroactive CGI’ed cameo in a Ryan Gosling indie film is the winner of the Real Girl and Larbowl.
WELL there you have it. Man was this post HORRORBOWL. (I GUARANTEE an announcer says that about whoever loses.)
Carbowl, Starbowl, and any other “Bowls” mentioned on this Microblog, or appearing in any other linked social media platforms are the registered trademark of I’m Not Charles, Inc., a subsidiary of Brettocorp, a family company of the Globo Bobo Evil Company.
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